How to Raise an Independent Child - Part 4

Balancing Act: Holding On and Letting Go.

The final balancing act we do as parents is between holding on and letting go. Actually, this is the balancing act that we do all throughout our parenting years.

Jack Kornfield, an author and meditation teacher, says: “There is a mixture of pleasure and pain as you look at a baby and say, “”I don’t want her to suffer. I want to take care of her.”

He tells of the time his toddler daughter Caroline was just learning about “hot”. One day, she went over to a candle and said “hot” and proceeded to touch the flame. Kornfield pulled her hand away and said “No, no, hot.” The little girl put her hand in anyway and it burned her fingers – not badly – just a little bit. She cried. Then her face changed to outrage, as if to say, why should it hurt?

We can empathize with Jack Kornfield. This impulse to protect is the reason why it is so hard to let go. But if it is not the candle, it will be the stove, or the heater, or something else.

What can a parent do? Life is pleasant and painful. From the beginning you realize that you can’t fully protect your child. You can love him, but you cannot give them full protection. Eventually everyone has to openly engage in the world that is light and dark, up and down, sweet and sour.

The other thing to learn is when to protect and when to stand back. You hold on to a child for too long and he’s certain to become angry and rebellious. You turn a child loose too soon and he may get into trouble. Much as we want to keep our children from harm, we won’t always be there for them. Sometimes the most sympathetic thing we can do is to let them tough it out for themselves.

Jacqueline Kennedy believed in giving her children as normal a life as possible and of granting them the chance to fight their private battles while protecting them from public exposure. Once when JohnJohn was a little boy, he had been harassed by a bully while riding his bike in a park. The Secret Service had stepped in to prevent an altercation. Jackie told them that the next time something like that happened, they should let JohnJohn fend for himself. He needed to learn how to take care of himself, because there wouldn’t always be a Secret Service agent or a concerned mother two steps behind him.

Letting go does not mean you abdicate your role as parents. You are still in charge. Parenting is the raising of children by parents, not the raising of parents by children. You are the mommy, that’s why. You are the daddy, that’s why.

Keep the channels of communication open. A child becomes a teenager one day at a time. Communication doesn’t stop at age 13. You have to be on speaking terms with your child especially when he is between the ages of 16 and 20, because this is the time when he needs you most, even if he may believe he no longer has use for your counsel.

Don’t panic. Remember each developmental stage is a transitional period – it too will pass. All these things which horrify you now about your child will make perfectly delightful stories which you will gladly share when you go to a high school reunion, 20 years from now.

It become easier to “let go” if you believe you have done your best to raise a child so self-reliant and so strong he takes responsibility for what he does and knows what to do when you are not there.

What does it mean to do your best? Parents profoundly influence their children in two ways: by what they do to them and by how they live – how they model. Even more important than what you do to your kids, is the life you live out before them.

Dr. Harold Sala, a minister and author, tells parents -- “live what you preach.” You cannot raise a General Patronage child if you are an X-rated parent. You cannot teach a single value that is not a reality in your own heart. Your example is a powerful tool. Children can argue with what you say, they may not like the rules you set, but they cannot argue with the life you live out before them.

The English theologian, Canon Drinkwater, expressed the same sentiment: “You educate to some extent by what you say, more by what you do, and still more by who you are, but most of all by the things you love.” Who you are and the values you uphold are the things that you are going to pass on to your children, and those are the things that will live beyond you.”

Parenting is like archery. You notch your arrow, you pull back and then you have to release the arrow if you want to hit your target.

It is also very much like driving a car. You must have brakes that are in working order, enough gas, and you must know how to balance the brake and the accelerator. You must also know how to work the clutch to shift from one gear to another -- to be able to get to your destination. Having said that, I wish everyone a great parenting trip.

THE END